Family, Marriage, Parenting

Boys Are At The Back Of The Class

by  •  • 0 Comments

Boys are lagging behind girls in school; on average, they get worse grades, take fewer advanced classes and are less likely to graduate. To find out why boys are taking a back seat in education, host Michel Martin speaks with Christina Hoff Sommers, resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute and author of ‘The War Against Boys.’

images

MARTIN: Well, you raise the point in your piece that this has particular consequences for Black and Latino boys who have been a focus of a lot of attention by educators recently or sort of kind of by people who are observing this. Not just educators, but anybody who really cares about, you know, this issue. Why do you think it seems to have a particular effect for Black and Latino boys? Any thoughts?

SOMMERS: Well, I think that a lot of these little boys – well, it’s White boys too. If we look at suspension rates, it’s all boys. It’s 70 percent of the kids who were suspending are boys and there’s been just an exponential growth in the number of kids suspended since the 1980s, and a disproportionate numbers of children of color.

But there’s simply an intolerance for high spiritedness among little boys and maybe the teachers come to the classroom – it’s understandable that they prefer children who sit still. Girls are better at paying attention, sitting still, and so it’s just that boys are going to suffer and I think African-American or Latino boys, from all the data we have, suffer most acutely from simply intolerance of antics and high spiritedness and misbehavior.

MARTIN: How do you respond to people who say that this is actually – it’s not that boys are being discriminated against, if I can use that? I know it’s a heavy-handed term, I’m just going to use it for now. But this is really more of a corrective, that girls were largely shut out of education for really most of our history and that history is just catching up and that it’s just leveling the playing field. How do you respond to that?

SOMMERS: Right. I’m somewhat sympathetic to that because I can understand someone looks at the history of education where women were so long the have-nots, and finally women are getting ahead and suddenly people are complaining about the boys. Where were the complaints when women were behind? Very good question. But I say this as someone who became a feminist many years ago because I did not appreciate favoritism and male chauvinism. But the answer to favoritism and male chauvinism is not to turn tables and practice it against little boys and men.

It’s basic fairness. And I think that our schools have done a lot to meet girls halfway, to strengthen them, specifically in math and science. Why don’t we try that with boys, strengthen their reading and writing skills, make school more fun, engage them. And I’m not saying – we’re not going to be able to turn them into girls. There have been efforts to try to transform gender and liberate them from their masculinity.

Most of these have not worked. What seems to work are lots of examples we have from the British where you channel that energy. You channel that sort of hyperactive spirit toward good ends.

Listen to the interview HERE: 

Family, Relationships

Why You’re Not Married

by  •  • 0 Comments

I found this interesting article yestewrday. I think it will help out a lot of people. it is written by Tracy McMillan and was posted on the Huffington Post. I’d love to hear what you think:

You want to get married. It’s taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud — even in your mind — feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you’re hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

You’ve never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.

Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother’s wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride — she was so effing happy — and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you’re not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering… Deep, deep breath… Why you’re not married.

She then goes on to explain her background and her childhood. Her need for security was huge and played itself out in her three marriages. She lays out her reasons starting here:

1. You’re a Bitch.
Here’s what I mean by bitch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here’s what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife. 

2. You’re Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either. 

3. You’re a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore — but they’re not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you’re having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn’t stay recreational for long.

That’s due in part to this thing called oxytocin — a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm — that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It’s why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn’t even all that great and the next thing you know, you’re totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that’s how it happened. And since nature can’t discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you’re going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

4. You’re a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he’s not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he’s married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, “I’m not really available for a relationship right now.”

You know if you tell him the truth — that you’re ready for marriage — he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don’t want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don’t want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!

About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don’t tell him that. That’s your secret — just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can’t live without you. I have news: he will never “figure” this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn’t be lying to him in the first place.

5. You’re Selfish.
If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems. 

Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It’s not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say — if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

6. You’re Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don’t think that. You do. I can tell because you’re not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don’t know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

I see this at my son’s artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you’re trying to be. They’re attractive, sure. They’re just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size. 

Alright, so that’s the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You’re just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won’t. Once the initial high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.

I suggest reading more of the piece here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

Fatherhood

The Perfect Man?

by  •  • 0 Comments

The Perfect Man

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He’ll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He’s a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, fuck this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
– unknown

 

Now, really, do women really want this? I have a feeling they would put a man like this in the “friend zone.”

I feel men like this exist. I can get with most of this list but I draw the line at the poetry part.. but that is just me! Ha!

Relationships

Female infidelity on average causes more harm and greater social instability than male infidelity?

by  •  • 0 Comments

I found this on a friend’s Facebook page recently. He is a brilliant writer and a great guitarist/songwriter too. This post sheds some light on male/female relationships and the biology behind our actions. I thought it would be great to share it.

By Inge Berge  – reprinted with permission from the author

cheating

-Mr. Berge: A few weeks back, you raised not only eyebrows, but a whole lot of feminist ire here on Facebook by suggesting that female infidelity on average causes more harm and greater social instability than male infidelity.-That is correct.

-Most people’s reactions were of the sort that you must be a male chauvinist, and that there is absolutely NO reason that female marital infidelity should be any “worse” than its male counterpart, and that women have every bit as much “right” to cheat on their partners as men do.

-It would seem that was the gist of the reactions, yes.

-So have you thought more about it, perhaps changed your mind?

-I have thought deeper about it, read a bit of evolution theory, which actually strengthens my stance.

-Really! How so?

-Well. Allow me. Can we agree that the primary objective of all living things is to propagate ones own genetic material; to procreate, to create healthy offspring? Can we agree that this is a universal driving force of biology? Regardless of gender?

-That seems to be a pretty well understood notion, yes. I think most will agree.

-OK. Well. In mammals, who gives birth to offspring? The male or the female?

-The female. Don’t be silly.

-OK. I’m being silly. Let me ask it this way: does a female ever have reason to doubt her child is hers?

-Of course not. You’re still being silly. The child came out of her body. She was there, and is an eyewitness to her own maternity.

-Exactly. There is, in other words, a zero percent chance that a female can be mistaken about her own offspring in fact being hers. Her genetic investment is not at stake.

-Ah, I get your drift. For the male, on the other hand…

-Indeed. Did you know that it’s a scientific fact that between 5% and 20% of human fathers are raising children that, unbeknownst to themselves – are NOT their biological offspring?

-I’ve heard that, yes. Startling numbers.

1560210259_d7c95f367a_z

-Well, is raising a child that is not your own a good way to ensure the spread of your genetic material?

-I would hardly say it is. I would say it is a genetic cul-de-sac. You spend your productive years providing for another man’s genetic offspring, helping HIS genes survive instead of your own. Hardly a good move in terms of survival-of-the-fittest. A really dumb move, actually!

-Bingo. To summarize: Men’s genetic investment is at risk from their mates cheating on them. Women’s genetic investment is NOT at risk from the converse. It’s an asymmetric cost/benefit scenario, genetically speaking.

-Hm, I’m starting to get it. Is this why harsher social condemnation of female infidelity than male infidelity seems to be in place in almost all cultures?

-Bingo again. Natural, evolutionary phenomena are indubitably reflected in human behavior and cultural systems.

-So when men have traditionally been given more cultural leeway to cheat, this is actually rooted in straight up biology?

-Yes. And when you add another interesting fact about statistical patterns of female infidelity….

-Which is? Now you’ve got me curious!

tumblr_m59mysRDUW1r6elyo

-…which is that females of many species, including ours, have been statistically shown to seek “extramarital” sex exactly when they are ovulating. It’s probably subconscious.

-Really?

-Yes. It’s as if the safest bet for females; the evolutionarily proven genetic payoff – comes from a rather sly technique involving tricking TWO males into being “fathers” of her offspring: an alpha male to impregnate her, providing the genetics, and a tricked, pussy whipped one to stay home with her and help her raise and protect the young. I’m paraphrasing the science a bit here. But this is why we see in a number of species, notably birds, what is known as mate guarding – the male of the species following his mate around during ovulation to ensure he is not being cheated on. Of course, in human females, ovulation is not obvious. With birds and other species, the males have the advantage of observing a change in color, scent, etc… and can thus be on special guard to beat the fuck out of any would-be interlopers. Us human males – not so much. We pretty much have to take our woman’s word for it.

-Wow, this is really interesting stuff. I bet this can help explain a lot of other social and emotional phenomena… jealousy? Possessiveness?

-Yes. Unlike what feminism would have you believe, these things are not just convenient social constructs designed to keep women down and let men have all the fun in a patriarchal conspiracy. It’s deeply rooted in biology. Some may even conclude that females have a natural upper hand in this game of genetic selection. In most species, they do after all get to play the role as “chooser” while the male must play “suitor.”

-I’ll be damned! But this is not a very PC view in 2013, is it?

-No, it is not. But that does not mean it’s not true.

-Well, it’s been nice talking to you Mr. Berge. May the feminist ire again be raised and inspire lots of pitchforks around your house and FB page! Just kidding.

-My pleasure.

Family, Marriage

Joint Custody As The Rule, Not The Exception

by  •  • 0 Comments

Espousing joint custody as a favourable solution to bitter tug-of-wars in child custody battles, retired chief justice of Delhi high court AP Shah and justice RS Dalvi from the Bombay high court said that it could do wonders for the welfare of the child.

This liberal view was expressed in a seminar, ‘Voice of Voiceless Children’, organised by the family court bar association and Children in the Centre (CIC), to discuss the roadmap for addressing child access and custody cases, at Chetna College on Saturday.

“In family laws, we are almost 30 to 40 years behind. The world has gone far ahead,” said justice AP Shah. Justice Shah explained that the norm in Indian courts — to give the custody to one parent (mostly the mother) with the other parent getting visitation rights — is outdated.

Justice Dalvi explained that joint custody indicates shared physical custody of the child, or a legal custody in which the child is in close contact with both parents. The parents also make joint decisions for the child.

“The sole custody precedent works against the best interests of the child. Besides, selection of one parent increases litigation. The laws need to be amended, enabling the court to award joint custody whenever possible,” said justice Shah.

 

Read more HERE: http://www.dnaindia.com/mumbai/report_judges-root-for-joint-custody-of-child_1362244