Stay At Home Dads Are here To Stay

Me and my girlie back in 2005

Me and my girlie back in 2005

Perhaps you’ve seen them on the playground. At pre-school drop off, karate practice, or piano lessons. Pushing strollers or running after toddlers. Or even on the small screen, in TV shows like Up All Night. They are: The stay-at-home dads, and lately, it seems, they’re everywhere.

Once upon a time, disengaged, distant fathers represented the typical pop-culture paternal stereotype (think: Mad Men’s Don Draper). Later, that image was replaced by the well meaning but bumbling—“where does this diaper go again?”—dad (think: Three Men And a Baby). Now, a new 21st century dad has emerged, and he’s not only competently taking care of the kids, he’s putting his own spin on parenting.

The latest Census shows that 32 percent of dads regularly care for their children (up from 26 percent in 2002), and among those with preschool-age kids, one in five dads is the primary caregiver. In households where mom works, that figure rises to nearly one in three. (In fact, my own husband currently stays at home full-time with our two-year-old daughter.) Stay-at-home dads have become so ubiquitous, even toy manufacturers like Mattel are catering to them.

A recent study published in the Journal of Consumer Research takes a look at this new model of modern dad-hood, and finds that today’s full-time fathers aren’t trying to be “Mr. Moms”—instead, they’re carving out their own unique roles as parents. “Many men are building this alternative model of home life that is outdoorsy, playful and more technology-oriented,” Gokcen Coskuner-Balli, an assistant professor of marketing at Chapman University in Orange, Calif., and lead author of the study, told the Wall Street Journal.

I spoke with some seasoned stay-at-home dads, who agreed that their parenting style tends to be more rough-and-tumble. “I do let the kids take more risks on the playground, whereas my wife tends to get nervous that they’ll fall and hurt themselves,” says Kyle, 39, an artist who has been a full-time parent since his oldest child was born 10 years ago. “I’m also more likely to get them involved in DIY projects. Last weekend they helped me build three tables for my art studio at home.”

Read more HERE

The Flipside Of Domestic Violence

Do we really need the Violence Against Women Act? If so, why not the Violence Against MEN Act? Has anyone really asked that question, or are we too afraid to speak up?

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…more than 200 survey-based studies show that domestic violence is just as likely to strike men as women. In fact, the overwhelming mass of evidence indicates that half of all domestic violence cases involve an exchange of blows and the remaining 50% is evenly split between men and women who are brutalized by their partners.

Part of the reason that this problem is widely ignored lies in the notion that battered males are weak or unmanly…

Much of the information on domestic violence against men is anecdotal, largely because of the lack of funding to study the problem. Although several organizations explore domestic violence, the biggest single resource is the Department of Justice, which administers grants through its Office on Violence Against Women. 

For years, the DOJ has explicitly refused to fund studies that investigate domestic violence against men. According to specialists in this field, the DOJ recently agreed to cover this problem — as long as researchers give equal time to addressing violence against women.

Researchers Denise Hines and Emily Douglas recently completed the first national study to scientifically measure the mental and social impact of domestic violence on male victims. Interestingly, their research was funded by the National Institutes of Mental Health, not the DOJ. Not only does this demonstrate the lack of resources for researchers of this issue, but it also suggests that male battering is perceived as a mental health issue, not a crime. 

This decriminalization of domestic violence against men affects research conclusions. While survey-based studies have found that men and women commit domestic violence in equal numbers, crime-based studies show that women are far more likely to be victimized. This inconsistency begins to make sense when one considers that man-on-woman violence tends to be seen through a criminal lens, while woman-on-man violence is viewed more benignly.

read more HERE

The Evolution of Divorce

by W. Bradford Wilcox – National Affairs

In 1969, Governor Ronald Reagan of California made what he later admitted was one of the biggest mistakes of his political life. Seeking to eliminate the strife and deception often associated with the legal regime of fault-based divorce, Reagan signed the nation’s first no-fault divorce bill. The new law eliminated the need for couples to fabricate spousal wrongdoing in pursuit of a divorce; indeed, one likely reason for Reagan’s decision to sign the bill was that his first wife, Jane Wyman, had unfairly accused him of “mental cruelty” to obtain a divorce in 1948. But no-fault divorce also gutted marriage of its legal power to bind husband and wife, allowing one spouse to dissolve a marriage for any reason — or for no reason at all.

In the decade and a half that followed, virtually every state in the Union followed California’s lead and enacted a no-fault divorce law of its own. This legal transformation was only one of the more visible signs of the divorce revolution then sweeping the United States: From 1960 to 1980, the divorce rate more than doubled — from 9.2 divorces per 1,000 married women to 22.6 divorces per 1,000 married women. This meant that while less than 20% of couples who married in 1950 ended up divorced, about 50% of couples who married in 1970 did. And approximately half of the children born to married parents in the 1970s saw their parents part, compared to only about 11% of those born in the 1950s.

In the years since 1980, however, these trends have not continued on straight upward paths, and the story of divorce has grown increasingly complicated. In the case of divorce, as in so many others, the worst consequences of the social revolution of the 1960s and ’70s are now felt disproportionately by the poor and less educated, while the wealthy elites who set off these transformations in the first place have managed to reclaim somewhat healthier and more stable habits of married life. This imbalance leaves our cultural and political elites less well attuned to the magnitude of social dysfunction in much of American society, and leaves the most vulnerable Americans — especially children living in poor and working-class communities — even worse off than they would otherwise be.

THE RISE OF DIVORCE

The divorce revolution of the 1960s and ’70s was over-determined. The nearly universal introduction of no-fault divorce helped to open the floodgates, especially because these laws facilitated unilateral divorce and lent moral legitimacy to the dissolution of marriages. The sexual revolution, too, fueled the marital tumult of the times: Spouses found it easier in the Swinging Seventies to find extramarital partners, and came to have higher, and often unrealistic, expectations of their marital relationships. Increases in women’s employment as well as feminist consciousness-raising also did their part to drive up the divorce rate, as wives felt freer in the late ’60s and ’70s to leave marriages that were abusive or that they found unsatisfying….

THE MORNING AFTER

Thirty years later, the myth of the good divorce has not stood up well in the face of sustained social scientific inquiry — especially when one considers the welfare of children exposed to their parents’ divorces.

Since 1974, about 1 million children per year have seen their parents divorce — and children who are exposed to divorce are two to three times more likely than their peers in intact marriages to suffer from serious social or psychological pathologies. In their book Growing Up with a Single Parent: What Hurts, What Helps, sociologists Sara McLanahan and Gary Sandefur found that 31% of adolescents with divorced parents dropped out of high school, compared to 13% of children from intact families. They also concluded that 33% of adolescent girls whose parents divorced became teen mothers, compared to 11% of girls from continuously married families. And McLanahan and her colleagues have found that 11% of boys who come from divorced families end up spending time in prison before the age of 32, compared to 5% of boys who come from intact homes.

Research also indicates that remarriage is no salve for children wounded by divorce. Indeed, as sociologist Andrew Cherlin notes in his important new book,The Marriage-Go-Round, “children whose parents have remarried do not have higher levels of well-being than children in lone-parent families.” The reason? Often, the establishment of a step-family results in yet another move for a child, requiring adjustment to a new caretaker and new step-siblings — all of which can be difficult for children, who tend to thrive on stability.

STRENGTHENING MARRIAGE

There are no magic cures for the growing divorce divide in America. But a few modest policy measures could offer some much-needed help.

First, the states should reform their divorce laws. A return to fault-based divorce is almost certainly out of the question as a political matter, but some plausible common-sense reforms could nonetheless inject a measure of sanity into our nation’s divorce laws. States should combine a one-year waiting period for married parents seeking a divorce with programs that educate those parents about the likely social and emotional consequences of their actions for their children. State divorce laws should also allow courts to factor in spousal conduct when making decisions about alimony, child support, custody, and property division. In particular, spouses who are being divorced against their will, and who have not engaged in egregious misbehavior such as abuse, adultery, or abandonment, should be given preferential treatment by family courts. Such consideration would add a measure of justice to the current divorce process; it would also discourage some divorces, as spouses who would otherwise seek an easy exit might avoid a divorce that would harm them financially or limit their access to their children.

 

PLEASE read the entire piece here. It is an in-depth look into what happened to marriage in our country and will help us all understand why things are the way they are – and what we can do to fix it.

 

 

 

 

 

Dads to get joint custody even if the mother says no

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This is how it should be in the United States:

A new law will for the first time grant single fathers joint custody of their children even if this goes against the mother’s wishes, in an attempt to put an end to bitter legal struggles between unmarried parents.

Until now, single fathers have always had to get the mother’s blessing before they could be granted custody of their kids, a rule that fathers’ organizations have long seen as unfairly weighted against them.

But now new legislation would allow unmarried fathers custody even if the mother is against it. The new law emphasizes that in normal circumstances both parents are to share responsibility for the child, unless this is not in the child’s best interests. 

Unmarried fathers denied joint custody of their children by mothers will in future be able to go to the Youth Welfare Office or appeal directly to the family court. The mother will then be given six weeks to give a statement on the father’s custody application.

If the court does not see any threat to the child’s interests, it will automatically grant the father custody on principle.

Read more here: Dads to get joint custody even if mum says no – The Local.

Mr. Mom is dead.

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From the Wall Street Journal article “At-Home Dads Make Parenting More of a ‘Guy’ Thing”

Mr. Mom is dead.

At least, the pop-culture image of the inept dad who wouldn’t know a diaper genie from a garbage disposal has begun to fade. In his place, research shows, is emerging a new model of at-home fatherhood that puts a distinctly masculine stamp on child-rearing and home life.

At-home dads aren’t trying to be perfect moms, says a recent study in the Journal of Consumer Research. Instead, they take pride in letting their children take more risks on the playground, compared with their spouses. They tend to jettison daily routines in favor of spontaneous adventures with the kids. And many use technology or DIY skills to squeeze household budgets, or find shortcuts through projects and chores, says the study, based on interviews, observation of father-child outings and an analysis of thousands of pages of at-home dads’ blogs and online commentary.

“Just as we saw a feminization of the workplace in the past few decades, with more emphasis on such skills as empathy and listening, we are seeing the opposite at home—a masculinization of domestic tasks and routines,” says Gokcen Coskuner-Balli, an assistant professor of marketing at Chapman University in Orange, Calif., and lead author of the study. “Many men are building this alternative model of home life that is outdoorsy, playful and more technology-oriented.”

Read more HERE

 

Misconceptions About Stay at Home Fathers

 

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A Chat with a Modern At-Home Dad

What are some misconceptions about at-home dads?

We all too often see Dad in a TV show, movie or commercial as an idiot. But seeing the media portraying fathers as what they truly can be—capable, confident, nurturing—that would certainly assist. Also, there’s the stereotype that if dad is a stay-at-home father, it’s a result of either being laid-off or due to the economic down turn. Being surrounded by 700 members of NYC Dads Group, I’d say about half of them are stay-at-home dads. These guys are not in their roles because they’re forced into it. The majority of them say, “I want to do and make the best decision for my family.” Or, for practical reasons, it makes sense for the father to be the at-home parent. These guys are making their own decisions, and a lot of them are not what the media always points to.

One stereotype is that at-home dads are less manly than other dads. Can you respond to this?

Being an active, engaged, involved dad is a cool and rewarding thing to do. Seeing a dad joking around and laughing with his kids is all the macho you need. I embrace my role as an at-home dad. It’s not something I hide.

Read more HERE