Family, Fatherhood

77

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Easter 1977

 

 

 

 

 

My father just turned 77 on Thursday. He and my mother are still alive, married and well. Early in the morning, my kids and I gave him a call to sing happy birthday.  I think about how amazing it is to have the ability to call either one of my parents on any given day and be able to speak with them. Most of my friends can’t. I’m very fortunate to have this in my life and I take advantage of it as often as I can. Life is short. The older I get, the more I realize how precious each moment is.

I think about the things my father did for me when I was a child. I remember when he used to get on his knees, take off his glasses and I used kid boxing gloves to pretend box with him. I remember how he used to take me to football practice, basketball practice, exposed me briefly to martial arts and other sports like baseball and tennis.

He worked long hard hours to keep the bills paid and moved his family from Bloomfield to Manchester Connecticut for a better life, education and surroundings in the suburbs back in 1973. We lived a very comfortable existence growing up. Since he was the sole breadwinner for a while, he had to do what was necessary to keep things together. My mother stayed at home until we got old enough to be on our own. She did her part in doing what was necessary to help my father raise a family. Her role as a stay at home parent was crucial to our development. Being a father now, I totally understand the things they both did but never told me about.

For instance, when I pay for things for the children , they have no idea how it is done. They just want the admission paid to the amusement park. They want to jump on the hotel bed while we are on vacation like I used to, not knowing how much this is setting me back financially.  They want good healthy food at dinner, they want new toys, they want swimming lessons, new bikes, clean clothes…the list goes on and on.  Right now, I am fortunate to provide what they need, not necessarily what they want. I ain’t getting them no iPad! Especially since I can’t afford an expensive toy for myself.

My father provided everything our family needed and was a man who exemplified leadership and integrity. A true head of household. I realize all of this stuff as my kids got older. I sometimes wonder if I’m turning into him. In many ways I am, but in some ways I know I am the total opposite. My mother was the one who was supportive of everything I wanted to do musically. My father was of the mindset of being able to have a job that provided stability. He wanted his kids to be able to have the skills that would enable them to be able to get a steady job with benefits. I totally understand, but at the same time, I know there is more than one way to be a success.

Growing up in Connecticut, many people are not exposed to the entertainment industry and how lucrative it can be. There are all sorts of career opportunities. Maybe now he can see things a little differently since I have become a successful full-time musician. I want to expose my kids to as much as I possibly can. There is a whole world out there to explore and I will support their interests wherever they lie. I still want them to understand the risks of any career path – whether is is a CPA or a film editor. There are risks and reward in everything we do in life. I think the biggest difference with my father and I is that I tend to be less risk averse.

I must say, he did pay for some of my drum equipment later in life –  a big help. Even though he may not have seen a musician’s life as a long-lasting career path, he was supportive of me throughout my life, and to this day, always has my back if times are rough.

It takes a strong man to raise three kids in the suburbs of a rapidly changing culture after the unrest in the 60’s. He learned from the mistakes his father made and chose to be fully present in his kids lives. I think that made a massive impression on me. That is probably why I refused to leave my kids while my ex tried to kick me out of her life as well as our kids lives. I was going nowhere. I’m here for my kids just like my father was for me and my sisters.

Who knows what my kids will do when they get older. I just want to be there to give them guidance like my father did. I will be their emotional, spiritual and financial support. I will be there when they fall, and I hope to still be able to answer their call at 77 like my father just did last Thursday.

Divorce, Fatherhood, Marriage, Relationships

Is a woman a better parent because of her gender?

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I recently watched Kramer Vs. Kramer again. It makes so much more sense now that I’ve been through a very similar situation. I think it should be required viewing for everyone.

Not only is the story great, the issues are still relevant. And of course, it is one amazing film.

The french toast scene at the end is truly heartbreaking.

I know EXACTLY what Dustin Hoffman’s character is going through.

If you have Netflix, go and watch it now.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuR1bTtgI_Y]

A day in the life, Family, Fatherhood, Parenting

Responsibility

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Looking back at how my parents raised me, I realize how important the lessons of responsibility are to children.

I remember my father always reminding me to clean my room. He would make me take out the garbage, mow the lawn, help wash his car and clean the garage. He would offer to wash the dishes if I dried them and vice versa. No, it wasn’t a real offer, it was his way of telling me what I was going to do, but giving me a small say in the matter.

My mother taught me how to separate the colors when washing clothes, how to iron and fold sheets. She taught me how to dust, polish furniture, how to set the table, how to sew on a button and  how to keep our home looking spotless.

My father told me time and time again to stand up straight. How to shake a person’s hand and how to speak up with authority.

My mother was supportive. SHE was the one who bought my first set of drums from my cousin. She was the one who said I could make it as a musician. And I did.

I know things are different at my ex-wife’s place, but there is very little I can do about that. All I know is what goes on at my home. When the kids are with me, they know to set the table for the dinner that I cook. They also sometimes help make the food. After we eat, they clear the table, they sweep the floor, and wipe the table and counters. When they sleep over, they make their bed in the morning.

After school each day, they know not to come in my place and drop everything to go play. They must hang up their coats and put their shoes in the right place. If they get a chance to play, they take toys out and put them away after they are done. I make sure their room in the same condition that they found it. My 9-year-old daughter knows how important it is to have her homework done before she gets a chance to play.

I am starting to notice how my 5-year-old son gets up in the morning, before I do, and dresses himself. He is SO proud. He also tells me to look in his room because he already made his own bed! My daughter makes it priority to have her hair washed and styled before we have breakfast in the morning. She also sets the table before we all have breakfast.

While it’s not perfect, after three years, it seems like we are starting to get into a groove with how things are run at daddy’s house. It can be rough on a single person to run a home. I don’t recommend it and I still don’t see the attraction. But, since I was forced into this life (temporarily), I will make the best out of difficult situation.

I love the day-to-day aspects of raising children and think having a solid foundation like I had helps. I feel it is important to pass on these values to our children.

I don’t know what other people do, but I feel it is important to teach responsibility to our children and to hold them accountable. It helps prepare them for life on their own. Many of these life lessons last a lifetime.

A day in the life, Family, Fatherhood, Parenting

John The Lion

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As I was putting my kids to bed recently, I felt like I was just getting a little closer to my kids. I already feel a strong bond with both of my children, but the little things we do with our kids sometimes has greater meaning than we think.

I’ve been telling stories to my daughter ever since I can remember. She is 9 right now, and for the first few years of her life I had this little thing I did before I tucked her into bed. I tell the story of John the Lion and his daddy.

Since I love being creative, I would just make up stories of a little lion and his dad on many adventures. I start out the story with John saying, “daddy…daddy… DADDY! Can we go to….” I would insert a specific place that a kid would want to go, like the zoo, the park, the circus, etc. Then I would keep the story going. Daddy would reply “No John, we can’t go now because it is too……late, or too far…etc..” I would make up some lame excuse. John would plead for his dad to take him and he would finally give in to his request.

The story would unfold from there. I would actually surprise myself with how interesting my stories would be. My daughter LOVED it. It was just a little thing I would do to have a special bond between her and I. It started to fade away during my divorce a few years ago because I was not able to tuck her in to bed. My court order kicked me out of the marital bedroom. Looking back, I would never suggest ANY man agree to be kicked out of their own bedroom or home. Don’t allow the relationship between you and your children ever become interrupted. But I digress.

So, when I finally got my own apartment and the kids would stay with me, I revived John the Lion. Well, at least I tried. Sleeping in a completely different place with a slightly new routine was tough for a while. My son, who was 2, missed his mother and it was still a little rough on my 6-year-old daughter at the time.

I slowly weaved my storytelling back into our bedtime routine over the years. Children tend to be highly adaptable. Now, my 5-year-old son begs me to tell stories. My daughter is even requesting some of the old stories I used to tell her. It’s amazing how I even remember the details of the classics.

The new stories are fascinating to both kids. I guess my 30-plus years of creativity and improvisation as a musician has applications in places I would never suspect. It can be quite a challenge to make up a complete story on the spot, but is incredibly rewarding to see the smile on their beautiful little faces before they fall off to sleep.

Sometimes it is the little things that make all the difference.

This is just one of my favorite parts being a father to two wonderful kids. Maybe one day they will continue John the Lion’s adventures to their children. Something tells me they will.