Fatherhood 101:
The #SoCraddockMethod Monday Morning Quarterback
A Monday morning quarterback is someone who is criticizes and/or states how they would have done something better or differently after the event has passed. Well, I’m stepping into the role to help guide you from defeat BEFORE you get on the field. I see and hear about so many mistakes with divorcing parents – and it is so frustrating. I’d like to take that term and flip it around so that I can show you a pass route so you can receive advice to get quality results.
I wish I knew then what I know now.
Maybe I can give you tips on a Monday that you could have used in your game YESTERDAY.
Here is a little unsolicited advice about divorce that you may have never even considered. I’ll give you three tips that you might need to think about if you are likely to divorce your spouse and you already have kids together:
1) It’s not going to be any easier
Why do I say this? If you have a spouse who loves your kid(s) just as much as you do, what makes you think that just because you two are not going to be together that your ex won’t want to be involved in the lives of your children just as much as they were prior to the divorce? It seems as if so many people feel that your offspring only belong to one party. It took two to tango and it will take two to untangle. In fact the untangling part will take about 18-25 years. The bond between parent and child will be strong even if the bond between the spouses isn’t. The long term unraveling of the union you made, has long term consequences. Many of the things you thought could be handled on your own will be much more difficult because the two of you are dealing with two separate homes with two separate life trajectories instead of one.
2) There are minefields all along the path of post-divorce life
Have you thought about the plans post-divorce? What about the plans on taking your kids to school? Have you thought about what happens if you are not available or if you are sick? What if the kids are sick and you are the only one who can take care of them or do you have the money to pay for a babysitter, instead of the fact that you could have used your spouse like when you were married or together? Who is going to make the decision to choose what high school your kids will attend? What of the kids want the ex to be in attendance at the various functions that they are a part of? What happens when your kid wants to have a birthday party a your ex’s house instead of yours? Who do you turn to when your kid wants to have a talk with their other parent about boy/girl things? What happens if your ex gets a job in another state? What happens if you ex loses their job and is unemployed for long periods of time? Your son is now 6’2″ an you are 5’1″. He towers over you and you often feel intimidated by his size. Your ex keeps him in control but you can’t. Now what? Your daughter goes through issues with puberty and you really are gun shy about discussing certain things because her mother is infinitely more qualified to discuss certain things?
These things are much better handled under one roof.
3) Your ex is so hurt by the divorce proceedings that they do everything under their power to hurt you
How do you handle someone who is hell bent on spending the next 15 years of your life hurting you? They use the court system, the police, the school and their button pushing ability to tear down your soul. Your ex becomes a total monster and is so angry that you wonder what happened to the wonderful man/woman you married? You see such a dark side that you are afraid for your children’s safety? Yes, these things can happen while you are married, but things are escalated to the nth degree after one spouse files for divorce. It gets really ugly and it can bring out the worst in people.
I have heard a number of horror stories from the people I have advised over the years. I tell people my story and they wonder how I wound up in the position I’m in. I tell people that I took the long term outlook. I saw how I wanted to be living 10 years down the road and made sure the guidelines were set in stone and were solidly outlined in my settlement before I left the marital home.
I made sure that my ex was to never leave the country with our kids (NO passport). I made sure that neither one of us could live more than 25 miles away from each other without the other’s consent. I made sure that during the divorce she could not leave the 5 boroughs of New York city. I made sure that I was to be with my kids as much as I could possibly be with them – in fact it was the same schedule that I had when we were married. I made sure that we both made decisions regarding health care, schooling, religious matters together! Details, details, details.
I hope I could shed some light on things to think about before you make the decision to file, or if you have just filed. There is a lot of Monday morning quarterbacking taking place way after the fact. I see Friday night quarterbacking from most of the people who call me for advice. By then, it is way too late. The game has long been over and the next one is right around the corner and you have no time to prepare – or you are already out of the running for post-season play.
Think this through my friends. The game plan is to win several championships, not just to win the pre-season. Your kids will thank you for being there in the long term.
Maybe I should be the coach of your team instead of the quarterback on a Monday morning. I certainly know how to win.
Modern Love Redux: Readers Offer Their Own Honest Thoughts on Marriage
TED DAVID, NEW YORK
I agree with the comment that getting married should be the hard thing. Getting divorced should be easier and not seen as something to be ashamed of. I certainly don’t view the divorced as failures. They are moving on to a better place. Good for them.
We fail younger people when we don’t teach them our experiences in marriage. I don’t recall anyone ever talking to me about marriage. You are just supposed “to know when it’s right.” My advice to those contemplating marriage, or better, getting engaged: What do you have in common with your significant other — name five things you both enjoy together. Are you on the same page regarding politics, kids, alcohol, money, house chores, what to do with free time? Who’s doing the house chores, cleaning, grocery shopping? Talk about everything now before you get married. Think long and hard about who your partner is, where they came from, his or her parents. Does this person share your values and what you like to do?
That’s probably the best advice I would give — when thinking about choosing a partner, be selfish. Does this person share your values, your likes and dislikes, your ideas on how to live life? Marriage deserves a harder analysis than it is given. It is the duty of those who are and have been married to help younger people make the decision which in my opinion is the greatest determinant of one’s happiness.
Why Can’t Divorced Men Commit? I’ll Tell You
An excerpt: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ed-housewright/why-cant-divorced-men-com_b_1135625.html?
Actually, her leaving is much more likely to increase a man’s interest than to badger him about making a commitment. I think women need to be more assertive and better negotiators in relationships.
Say what you want up front, such as, “I need to know in three months whether you can commit. I don’t want to date forever. I need to know where we’re headed.”
That’s a strong negotiating position. If she’s really serious, she puts the ball in the guy’s court and makes him analyze how he really feels about the woman.
This approach is much better than the woman saying to herself, I hope he commits soon. Why won’t he commit? He should. What’s he waiting for?
If she doesn’t put her cards on the table, she’ll get angrier and angrier. She’ll become passively aggressive to the guy or downright bitchy. She’ll start wanting an answer on the commitment question now.
Meanwhile, the guy steadily backpedals and looks for an escape route.
I get sick of seeing articles on why men in general won’t commit. Do a Google search, and you’ll find dozens and dozens of articles. Here’s a sampling of the headlines:
• Is He Commitment Phobic?
• If He Won’t Commit Now, Will He Ever?
• How to Spot a Man Who Won’t Commit
• 10 Tips for Getting Your Man to CommitI say most relationship experts make the commitment question far too difficult.
Again, I repeat my advice: A woman should tell a man clearly that she wants a commitment by a certain date. That’s all. He’ll realize your position and respect it. He won’t feel manipulated and browbeat.
Bottom line: Men understand negotiations, and a relationship sometimes requires negotiation.
Read the entire piece HERE
Glory Johnson says she needs $20,000 month in alimony after 28-day marriage to Brittney Griner
Read your state’s prenuptial agreement before you get married. If you don’t, you’re in for a rude awakening:
Too Old to Be a Dad?
An excerpt from HERE
There are a lot of downsides to being male. We age faster and die younger. But give us this: we’re lifetime baby-making machines. Women’s reproductive abilities start to wane when they’re as young as 35. Men? We’re good to go pretty much till we’re dead.
The reason, of course, is sperm: Unlike ova, they’re hardy and decidedly plentiful. Every 16 days or so the male body raises a whole new army of them hundreds of millions strong. Want to use a few of those reproductive foot soldiers to keep conceiving children far into your fifties, sixties and even seventies? Have at it, and I should know: I didn’t have my children until I was in my mid- and late-40s (for more, read my story in the new issue of TIME, available to subscribers here).
But not so fast. Older fathers, it turns out, can present as many medical problems as older mothers—more in fact. For all the concerns about Down syndrome and other genetic disorders that become more common in babies of older mothers, the list of conditions older fathers bring to the table is turning out to be far longer. Just last year, a study in Nature found that rates of autism and schizophrenia rise sharply in the babies of older dads, with the risk doubling for every 16.5 years of paternal age. Another study, also in Nature, found something similar for autism, beginning when a man is just 35—the same ostensible trouble-age as for moms. Yet another paper in the American Journal of Men’s Health linked paternal age to preterm birth and low birth weight, and others have found connections to cleft lip and certain cancers.
The problem arises from the same 16-day turnover rate that make sperm such an infinitely renewable resource. Every batch of sperm represents an opportunity for genetic typos—called de novo mutations—to be passed on. A 20-year-old man and woman will each pass on about 20 de novo mutations to a baby they conceive. By the time the couple is 40, a woman’s total has remained at 20, while a man’s has jumped to 65—and it keeps climbing from there.
Then too there are the social issues associated with paleo-fatherhood. There aren’t many gray heads among the fathers in my daughters’ play groups but mine. On at least one occasion when I picked the girls up at school, a child asked me, “You’re the dad?” which I found mildly funny, but the girls didn’t. And I’m actually at the very young end of the old dad cohort. Paul McCartney had a baby when he was 61; Rod Stewart was 66; Rupert Murdoch was a stunning 72. Not only does that mean they’ll have less stamina than the average dad, that means they’ll, well, check out a lot sooner too.
“Even if you’re Paul McCartney’s child, you get ripped off if your father dies when you’re in your early 20s,” says Julianne Zweifel, a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Wisconsin.
Older fatherhood isn’t all bad: testosterone rates drop about 1% per year as men age, making them less reactive and more patient, and a professionally established middle-aged man is likely to have more time and money to devote to his kids than a twenty-something who’s just getting started. What’s more, it’s good for moms too—in a satisfying way. After all the generations, even centuries, women have spent under the medical microscope as they go about the simple business of trying to make a baby, it’s nice to have dad—too often a free-rider in the procreation game—take a little of the heat too.
