Family, Marriage, Society

There Are No Good Men

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Is there really a lack of good men in the dating pool or do some women overlook the ones that are already in existence?

From what I’ve experienced, when many women who are dating meet a GOOD man, they either don’t know it or they unconsciously push him away. Why do they do this? I feel it is a byproduct of decades of children growing up without fathers. How can a woman know how to effectively deal with a man if they have never had a good man in your life? I would also say that men raised without fathers is just as bad. How do they know how to deal with women if they never had a man show them how?  Fatherless males are in perpetual search of their biological fathers or a similar role model. Unfortunately these men tend to find comfort in gang membership and other outside groups that do more harm than good. They tend to have difficulty developing and sustaining self respect and may have issues with masculinity that manifests itself in a multitude of negative and harmful ways. Much of the time it is detrimental to women and manifests itself in violence.

This problem is nothing new. It dates back decades and I feel it is only getting worse, especially in the black community. Research shows that more than 70 percent of black children are born to single mothers.

I may be wrong but it seems like most women want to put themselves on the career fast track in their 20’s. They want the same thing men want. I think it’s great that women are actually competing and pursuing career goals outside of being a mother and a wife. The problem is that when women are in their ‘anxious’ years (mid 30’s), they are looking for men that existed a few years earlier. There may be slim pickings by the time they hit that age. Both men and women seem to have issues with this because many people, by their 30’s have either been married and/or divorced. Men who have been through the family court system are less likely to want marriage and women who already have children. They are far more gun-shy and see little incentive to marry again. Women who have children from a previous marriage or relationship are also less attractive to single men. There are exceptions to every rule, but the rule is far more common.

I feel that the majority of young heterosexual women strongly desire marriage and children. It seems as if women today choose to use the euphemism “relationship” to mask that they really want marriage but think it will scare guys off. Possibly? They might just have a point. Maybe they are just waiting to long to finally go after what they want? I don’t know. The first 10 years out of college working is usually spent with people diving in head first into their careers and the next 10 desperately trying to find a mate. Waiting for the last-minute just might be waiting one minute too long.

Good men exist. What are people waiting for? 

Being anxious about something you can control makes no sense to me. I’m sure women spend years working on their craft at whatever profession they are in. It might be in their best interests to do the same with relationships. Good men are everywhere. Looking for a good man is not nearly as hard as looking for a job in this economy. I feel that both men and women need to keep putting ourselves in the position to meet each other. It really isn’t that difficult if you keep your eyes and ears open.

How do you do it?

Well, you can start by simply asking friends for referrals. Start getting out the house and being open to the idea of meeting someone new. Begin conversations with people you randomly meet in line, at the post office or at the gym. Visit museums, coffee houses instead of randomly shooting in the dark (at some nightclub). It is always better to get referrals. It works in sales and works in dating. It’s been done like this for millennia.

Try putting as much time and effort into finding a mate as we all do finding a home and a job. We seem to put hours into our résumé writing and spend weeks figuring out where we want to live.

Why not have the same amount of thought and planning when it comes to finding a suitable mate?

 

Fatherhood

Preemptive Preparation

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While recently sifting through the boxes of papers in my storage unit, I stumbled across a few of the documents I saved from my divorce. I now see how proactive and prepared I was. It is pretty amazing to see how much research I did prior to my ex even pulling the trigger by filing for divorce. Looking back, I see that preparation was one of the biggest advantages I had over my adversary. All too often, people are totally blindsided when they step into a courtroom and want their lawyer to figure everything out. That is a really bad move.

Back before August of 2010, in the state of New York, a spouse had to have grounds for divorce. After that point, one spouse could end the contract by instead of saying, “I Do”,” you can simply say “I Don’t.” A spouse does not need a reason at all to end the marriage. It is that easy to unilaterally break a marriage contract. Apparently, it isn’t as easy to do the same anywhere else. It makes you wonder why there is such a thing as a marriage contract.

New York was the last state to adopt the no-fault divorce laws that the other 49 states already adopted. The no-fault divorce era began under the administration of Governor Ronald Reagan in 1969 and seems to have made marriage one of the most unstable institutions in our country.

My ex wanted out of our marriage. I didn’t. I knew in the back of my mind that we probably weren’t going to last, but I tried to hold on and make things work.

In one of the piles of documents I found, I saw a letter I wrote to my ex-wife. It stated that I needed to have certain problems resolved. I really tried to save our crumbling partnership. I was trying to work on our marital issues with someone who seemed to have no interest in doing the same.

I was determined to make it work. I was planning for the long haul and was trying to make attempts at reconciliation and progress. Little did I know that she had alternate plans for me. I was sadly mistaken thinking I could stop the inevitable. The problem for her is that she did not know the law at the time and how divorce worked.

One August afternoon, she sat me down at a bench and told me she wanted a divorce. I knew it was coming but didn’t want to face the reality of the end of my intact family. After our discussion later in the day, I asked her on the phone what the grounds for divorce were to be. She said she had no idea. I told her that she had to have grounds and that I wasn’t going to agree to any reason for divorce that was not true. I told her that the only grounds that she might even remotely have was constructive abandonment.

I later found out after reading the petition after being served that she chose “constructive abandonment.” This meant that in court, she would have to prove that I constructively abandoned our marriage by refusing to have sex with her. I literally laughed out loud when I saw the petition. It was a joke. You see, my ex was pretty damn good looking and I was a healthy 40 year old man. Under no circumstances was I going to turn down an offer to participate in a little bump and grind. I wouldn’t have cared less if things were horrible. Sex is sex. At least, that is what I thought at the time. I have grown wiser and much more in control of my sexuality since then.

I think my attempts to try to hold onto something that deep down I knew was never going to work out was due to the fact that I wanted for my children what I had growing up. I had a great childhood and I didn’t want to see my children growing up like so many other children do today. I had remotely heard about children in families without an intact mother and father and certainly didn’t want my kids to be yet another statistic. I have since learned that if things simply don’t work out with parents, that does not end the relationship with the children. The problem I see is that we live in a society where some think that if a couple with children gets divorced, the mother gets the kids, child support and alimony. Nothing could be further from the truth. Why should a mother get the children and not the father? I ask that question and hear people stumble over the answer. When I press them on the issue of being sexist if they state the kids should be with the mother, they have little to say afterward.

While I was writing the letters to my ex in the months prior to her filing, I read as much as I could get my hands on about the process of divorce. I learned very quickly how fathers are treated in our family court system. I discovered how much money is wasted on legal fees and how most cases are settled out of court. I also knew my ex had no case due to the fact I had never cheated on her, I never abused her, i never abandoned the family, I was a hands on father since I took care of our daughter during the daytime hours from the day she was born. There was little to say that would be harmful to my reputation other than the fact we yelled and screamed at each other from time to time. The arguments got worse because she refused to return to work and money was a growing issue that could have been easily resolved by both of us contributing financially.

I read Steven Baskerville’s book Taken Into Custody. It totally changed my thinking and my approach to how I was to handle each step of the process of divorce. I knew the history, the tactics and the potential pitfalls. The result? Years of quality time with my two beautiful kids and no transfer of money from me to my ex.

I have since spent the vast majority of my time studying human behavior, reading about the history of marriage, relationships and our family court system. I use my experience to help other fathers navigate the murky waters of the court system and have assisted mothers who need a male perspective when it comes to issues in their marriages. It has been rather rewarding to use a considerably dark period of my life to help others in need. Most of us have been affected by divorce in one way or another and see the harm that can come from “messy” divorces.

When I discuss divorce with people who are thinking of running to a law firm to file, I make sure I remind them they must understand what they are getting themselves into. Divorce is seen as an easy way out, but there are so many lingering issues that never get worked out in the long term. A judge in a courtroom does not care about what happens to you 10 years down the road. They want to get your case off the docket. Your lawyers don’t car about you either. They just want to make sure they bill you and you PAY THEM! It is always best for couples to work things out on their own. The second best way to resolve things is mediation. Keep the court system as far away from your issues as humanly possible.

It is important to remember that in life, if you are armed with knowledge, you are truly empowered. I had a significant advantage in my court battle because not only did I have a great case, but I knew what I was getting into and how to handle myself. I’m always willing to share what I’ve learned and pass on anything that can help others.

Fatherhood

Instant Custody

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If you knew that you would automatically get custody and not have to pay child support and/or alimony, would you be more likely to file for divorce if you were really unhappy in your marriage or relationship?

Let me guess your answer…yes.

Of course you would.

This is the way many people feel when they file for divorce in our country. In fact, our domestic relations laws in most states have increased the incentives to file. The problem I see is that with this presumption of instant custody is the reality that the children are collateral damage. It might seem as if you win if you get the kids, the house, the transfer of wealth in a child support order, but the reality is that the children lose in the long run.

Recently, I have seen photos on the internet of smiling mothers with their happy kids. They look happy and both the mother and the child are smiling. I sometimes wonder why they never include the father. I have no idea what is going on, but I am assuming that things are just great and they are putting up selfies that just didn’t include daddy. I look at these photos and think they are great.

But…

What if the partnership with their husband broke down. They marriage was on the rocks and in serious decline. What would make any person think that the best interest of the child would be for the father to take this children away from a loving mother? Who would feel that same mother, who was so happy with her kid in the photos posted all over the internet would be happy to see that child only four days a month?  What if, on top of that, the mother had to pay the father money to supposedly help pay for child care expenses? That mother would also pay for the father to maintain the same lifestyle they loved when they loved together even though the couple made roughly the same amount of money each year? How would one feel if the mother wasn’t the one who cheated and broke down the relationship? What if the father got caught cheating, but the mother was kicked out of the house just because the father chose to file first and knew he would get instant custody?

Now, would that make any sense?

Let me guess your answer…no.

So why is it just fine with so many people when the sexes are reversed?

I feel kids need both their biological mother and their biological father. If the parents cannot live together, ‘the best interests of the children’ is to make sure there is as much contact with both parents as possible. Limiting contact to every other weekend is truly detrimental to the children’s emotional, spiritual and psychological development. We have had mountains of research that has shown this to be true. 

I feel things are even worse for those who take the path of consciously choosing to be a single parent by kicking the other parent out of the home. It is like choosing to run a marathon with one leg or getting into a boxing match with one arm tied behind your back. You might win, but the chances are slim. Kids lose more often than they win in single parent homes. 

Running to family court to get a leg up of your future ex is not a recipe for success. Your concoction is doomed once you begin that cocktail. Think long and hard about the choices you make in a custody battle. You may not see it now, but many years later, your kids will remember how you kept them from their other half instead of doing your best to allow them the most time with their other parent.

Your kids didn’t divorce your ex, you did. Be mindful of this fact before you reach for the instant custody mix.

 

Fatherhood

The Prenup

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Is Gabrielle Union being unromantic or is this a wise move on her part?

Is she planning for a divorce or protecting her assets?

Is she being wise or selfish?

If a man does this, would you feel the same?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBR5SAkvbcA&feature=youtu.be

 

 

 

Relationships

The Most Important Relationship In The House Is The One Between Mom And Dad

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“….the most important relationship in the house is the one between mom and dad. If they are doing well, they are more likely to do well by their children. Children get a sense of stability and learn how to relate to others by watching their parents. So, to serve children best, mom and dad must focus on their own relationship first.”

“What the American perspective does to dads is that they have to compete for attention from their wives, who are giving most of their time and energy to the kids. This is why one of the riskiest times for divorces is when all the kids have left for college: moms and dad have spent the last 18+ years pouring all of their love, energy, and attention into the kids and forgot how to love each other.”

http://thefatherfactor.blogspot.com/2012/02/what-we-can-learn-from-french-parents.html

 

As I was reading this, I though track to the demise of my marriage. Hindsight is always 20/20. You definitely see things much clearer when you look back in time.

When my marriage started to fall apart, I read various books on how to repair it. I found a common thread. Many of the things I was reading stated that your SPOUSE comes first. Many Americans can’t wrap their heads around this concept…and many don’t. As soon as the baby comes into the picture, all the focus goes toward the kid, and the marriage inevitably suffers.

We have less than 18 years of dealing with our kids. Sooner than later, the children will want to be with their friends and will be out of our sight before you know it.

Do whatever you can to keep your relationship strong from the beginning. Think of your relationship as a tree. It should have strong roots, a good foundation and it can branch off in many direction. Of course, you hope to bear good fruit. As we all know, the fruit does not fall to far from the tree.

Remember, there will be storms. Children come in like hurricanes and monsoons. Is your tree strong enough not to break?  Is the wind going to snap your tree in half? I feel the tree should be able to withstand any storm that comes your way. Bend a little, but stay put. After the storms passes, you can enjoy the seasons that come your way. Hopefully, you will be in a place with plenty of sunshine and nourishment for your enduring relationship.

Society

Think Before You Act Out

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If I go to the subway and start spray painting ads on the subway, is it legal?

Oops!

She must have forgotten this little law:

No person shall write, paint or draw any inscription, figure or mark or affix, attach or place by whatever means a sticker or decal of any type on any public or private building or other structure or any other real or personal property owned, operated or maintained by a public benefit corporation, the city of New York or any agency or instrumentality thereof or by any person, firm, or corporation, or any personal property maintained on a city street or other city-owned property pursuant to a franchise, concession or revocable consent granted by the city, unless the express permission of the owner or operator of the property has been obtained. a-1. For purposes of this section, “property of another” shall mean all property, including real property, that is not owned, rented, or leased by a person; provided that such term shall not include a location that serves as such person’s residence. a-2. For purposes of this section, “educational facility” shall mean any building affiliated with an institution that maintains a list of enrolled students and is used for educational purposes for more than twelve (12) hours per week for more than six (6) students. b. No person shall possess an aerosol spray paint can, broad tipped indelible marker or etching acid with the intent to violate the provisions of subdivision a of this section.

http://codes.lp.findlaw.com/nycode/ADC/10/1/10-11

After my bones dry up from playing drums, I hope my mind is still sharp. I would love to re-train the minds of college aged kids. Being a college professor sounds like fun.

So many kids think there is some utopian world ready to be entered when they graduate. Man oh man are they in for a rude awakening. The “real world” my parents told me about? It’s wonderful yet, complex and full of grey area. Use that grey matter in your skill to effectively navigate through it and you’ll be ok.

I am starting with my two little ones – my kids. I want to try and keep their minds open to think through every scenario, make sure their minds stay open to new information, and to think before they act. Acting out of emotion kinda sucks. I’ve been there and learned my lessons. Fortunately, I stop before I act nowadays. It might have done her well to do the same. I’m sure central booking was not fun. But hey, knock yourself out if you want to deal with the police. I have better ways to deal with societal issues than deal with NY City’s finest.