Child Support

The Best “Financial” Interests Of The Child…or State

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Senator Rick Jones….”People should be more responsible… shouldn’t father children outside of marriage.”

Blaming the victim is fine in our society, provided the victim is a man. It does not matter who the biological father is, only what’s in the “best interest” of the child. Really? REALLY? What they are saying in code is;  which man can the state find to best care of the mother financially.

In reality, the only thing the state truly cares about is if there’s a child that a father should be paying child support for. It doesn’t matter if he is the actual father or not. All the state wants is to find a man to pay a mother so the state can continue to receive its matching funding from the federal government. Yes, it is true. A large part of a state’s federal human services spending is based on child support collections. The more a state collects in child support,  the more that state receives from our federal government. This gives states plenty of incentives to maximize the amount of child support paid to those who file.

Have you ever wondered why family courts promote situations that have a single parent in charge of parenting (usually mothers), and the father paying child support? By tying federal funds to the amount of child support collected, the federal government hold the bait. States bite by basing child support orders on maximizing revenues instead of a given child’s needs or a parent’s ability to pay.

In fact, many state-level attempts to modify family law in order to facilitate better support for children and better relationships between divorced parents have been thwarted by state officials who don’t want to relinquish highly coveted federal tax dollars.

Co-parenting , from the state’s perspective doesn’t produce as much child support. Who really wins in this game? Certainly not children.

Child support is a joke. I’m so glad I REFUSED to pay it.

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Parenting, Relationships

Female Predators

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Interesting article:

Don’t excuse female predators of children
BY LAUREN BOOK
LAUREN@LAURENSKIDS.ORG
http://www.miamiherald.com/2013/08/02/3539486/dont-excuse-female-predators-of.html

Any parent can relate to the fear of a sexual predator lurking in the shadows near a playground, looking for the next victim. And while bad-intentioned strangers sometimes really do lurk in the shadows, the reality is that more than 90 percent of sexual-abuse victims know their perpetrator in some way.
Not only are perpetrators typically known by their victims, they usually hold a position of authority and trust over the unsuspecting child. Horrors like the Penn State scandal garner national media attention because of the repulsive and abhorrent acts involved. But when the roles are reversed and it is a woman who selfishly preys on a child’s innocence, it seems that too often society is willing to hold these predators to a different standard.

A recent novel would have us believe that the rules of sexual abuse are different when a woman molests a child. Alissa Nutting’s new novel, Tampa, describes the sexually explicit relationship an attractive female teacher has with one of her male middle-school students, in a way that some might say glorifies her. This storyline is reminiscent of Debra Lafave, the Florida teacher convicted of having sex with one of her 14-year-old students. It’s no coincidence that Nutting went to high school with Lafave and used her as a reference for the book’s main character.

This case — in which Lafave received a sentence of only three years of house arrest after her attorney essentially argued she was too pretty for prison — reinforces the grossly inaccurate idea that if a young boy is having sex with an attractive older woman, he should receive a high five rather than abuse counseling.

While I respect an author’s creative license, I am concerned that this story and others like it lead the public to a dangerous conclusion: that female pedophiles do not pose a serious threat. My personal experience — and my contact with many male survivors of sexual abuse by female perpetrators — tells a different story.

My story of abuse began at the hands of my female nanny when I was 11 years old. The shame and guilt I felt kept me from telling anyone about it for almost six years. I was afraid that people wouldn’t take my story seriously because it involved my trusted nanny, a seemingly sweet and affectionate woman who was a part of our family.

The trauma from that abuse is something I still deal with daily. Fortunately, I was able to make the transition from victim to survivor and started Lauren’s Kids, an organization dedicated to protecting others from child sexual abuse through awareness and education. But there are many children still suffering the ongoing tragedy of sexual abuse, including boys abused by women.

A male victim featured recently in Intimate Crimes, a television program we produced in partnership with the Department of Children & Families, describes the years of anger, relationship dysfunction and strain produced by his abuse by his female babysitter. And yet, many of the friends to whom he disclosed the abuse considered him privileged to receive the sexual attention.

In fact, the advocacy organization, Male Survivor, reports that boys often suffer significant and unique effects of abuse, aggravated by the perception that men are not supposed to be victims.

Child sexual abuse robs children of their innocence. It steals an important and irreplaceable part of their childhood, whether the victim is a boy or girl and whether the perpetrator is male or female.

Novels that glorify abusers, even inadvertently, or gloss over the real pain and damage caused by child sexual abuse, do a disservice and set us back.

It is imperative that we change the way society views this issue and stand up for policies, laws and attitudes that refuse to tolerate adults who prey on children. It is up to us to speak up for those who cannot.

Read more HERE: http://www.miamiherald.com/2013/08/02/3539486/dont-excuse-female-predators-of.html

Fatherhood

Happy Father’s Day, MOM!

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Originally posted on June 12, 2013 on A Voice for Men

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Father’s Day cards for mothers. Yes you read this correctly. At first I thought it was a joke, but I learned that it was all too real.

This line of cards was inducted into the Greeting Card Hall-of-Shame by Hallmark in 2011. Their target audience is unmarried black women and the line is sold through their Mahogany brand. Unfortunately, it appears that their Father’s Day cards for single mothers have turned out to be wildly successful. I feel this is a clear example of corporations endorsing black dysfunction.

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When I heard about these cards, I was baffled by the fact that they would even introduce this incredibly foolish and ridiculously offensive idea. It appears they are either geniuses or they are capitalizing from one of our greatest social ills.

Maybe I should be on the creative team at Hallmark. I have a great new idea for them; why not create a line of cards specifically for single fathers celebrating their accomplishments on Mother’s Day. Oh wait, Hallmark beat me to it last month. Not a line of cards for single fathers, though, just cards for anyone who is “like a mother.” Talk about gender bending.

Arguments have been made in support of Father’s Day cards for mothers. Some feel it is needed because in the black community single mothers are “both the mommy and the daddy.”

The problem I have with that line of thinking, is that it contributes to the devaluing of the role of the father within the family. The perpetual disdain for fathers, and the continuous reinforcement of this poisonous mindset exacerbates the epidemic of fatherlessness. I think a better choice would be a show of appreciation for a kids next closest positive male role model—an uncle, coach, pastor, or neighbor. This would help restore the value of men in the black community and begin building a stronger community for future generations.

Tell me, where did the idea of mothers and fathers being interchangeable come from? A female parent is a mother. A male parent is a father. The definitions are clear. A woman can never be a father and a man can never be a mother. Both the mother and father have unique and invaluable roles in raising children.

At what point did we forget what the difference was between fathers and mothers? Did the push towards total equality between the sexes blur the lines of the natural roles we play as male and female? If so, it’s time to set the record straight and make sure the distinctions are clear.

Here is a dose of reality. According to 2011 U.S. Census Bureau data, over 24 million children are being raised without fathers. That is 1 out of every 3 (33%) children in America. Nearly 2 in 3 (64%) African American children live in father-absent homes. One in three (34%) Hispanic children, and 1 in 4 (25%) white children live in father-absent homes. The most revealing statistic is that in 1960, only 11% of children lived in father-absent homes.

Recent studies have shown that children who live absent their biological fathers are, on average, at least two to three times more likely to be poor, be connected to the criminal justice system, live in poverty, fail in school, use drugs, experience educational, health, emotional and behavioral problems, be victims of child abuse, and to engage in more criminal behavior than their peers who live with their married, biological (or adoptive) parents.

These problems are visible and widespread in the African-American community. Just take a look at the death count in a city like Chicago. At the time of the writing of this post, the Associated Press reported that at least six people have been killed in weekend violence and at least another 11 wounded.

Maybe it is our culture’s move towards “gender equality.” Maybe some people really believe we are all the same. It is clear to me that there is a need for a re-education of the general public. The facts are out for everyone to see. Some may choose to ignore them, but the differences between mothers and fathers are as clear as night and day.

Mothers tend to interact in more caregiving ways, while fathers tend to be involved in rough play and more physical interactions. Mothers tend to be more repetitive and explain what things are to her child in simpler terms. Fathers speak to their children using more adult language, expanding their vocabulary and understanding. Fathers also challenge their children more than mothers. Fathers enforce rules more sternly, which teach children the consequences of right and wrong. Mothers tend toward empathy, which provides a sense of optimism. These differences create a healthy, proper balance with raising well-adjusted children.

Times may have changed with regard to the economic contributions in the family within our culture, but the roles of mother and father have not. We are naturally wired for parenthood to bring different and equally vital qualities to child rearing.

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If you think these cards are meaningless and don’t really matter, you are fooling yourself. They may be a small segment of the total share of greeting card revenue but they are a symptom of a larger problem. The more reinforcement of disdain for family and fatherhood and encouragement or approval of the choice of single motherhood that come from major corporations like Hallmark, the bigger the problem of widespread fatherlessness gets. This problem isn’t going to be kept in the ghetto. It’s going to affect us all sooner or later.

It’s no badge of honor to be a single mother. Children fare better with both their biological mother and father. A father is not simply a woman who has no man around. It is time to take companies to task that are complicit in the epidemic of widespread fatherlessness.